As you can tell by the time and date stamp, today is Thanksgiving. It's 10pm and I'm nursing a bowl of ice cream and a glass of ice water in the wake of a tide of tryptophan and family gatherings. Since Joey is still at work and I came home from my parents’ house fairly early because of the snow, it’s given me a bit of time to reflect on the past year.
A few months ago, a good friend and I were hanging out and she asked me a very good question. Sitting on her fluffy, comfy couch, she asked “What would you say that God is doing in your life right now?” I had to think pretty hard about that. You see, I was engaged in a fit of bitterness. I gave a very generic answer and went on with life, but the question has haunted me in the time since then. I find myself considering the potential answers on at least a weekly basis, if not more often. So here I sit with an actual answer.
To start at the beginning, Joey and I entered into marriage with the idea that we’d wait for a few years. That is, until a few weeks after our wedding, at which point we had a so-called “pregnancy scare”. We were disappointed to find that I wasn’t pregnant, and that point decided that we would stop trying to prevent pregnancy. Month after month, I’d exhibit pregnancy symptoms. Nausea (which we’ve now decided is a leftover symptom of the vertigo), aversion to foods, cravings, heightened sense of smell, you name it. Then, lo and behold, I would turn out to not be pregnant.
Needless to say, when people started announcing pregnancies, my heart turned bitter despite the fact that I was happy for those involved (my decade long struggle with depression has NOT helped). You see, not being able to get pregnant leads to a lot of thought trails.
Maybe I'm just an over thinker, but I felt like less of a woman, feared that I wouldn't be able to ever have kids, feared that if that was the case my husband wouldn't want me anymore, and even came to the conclusion that maybe God was preventing pregnancy because he thought I was going to be a terrible mom.
Thank God I have a supportive husband, two good friends who are going through the same season of difficulty, and two friends who weren't in that season but are still wonderful and encouraging.
What did I do? I started praying. Yes, to get pregnant. But also that I would have more trust in what God has planned, even if that plan doesn’t include pregnancy. As I spent time with Him, He worked to heal my bitter and broken heart (though admittedly Facebook in particular is sometimes still trying). The whole scenario put to test something that Joey and I have discussed: that God can open and close the womb as He wishes (as seen in 1st Samuel).
Fast forward a few months and many hours of prayer later, to today. I may not know whether God has predestined for Joey & I to have biological children, but I am extraordinarily thankful to serve a God who has a plan for each and every life, even before conception (Jeremiah 1:5). What a blessing!
Maybe we will be blessed with biological arrows for our quiver, but even if not, I will try to keep thanking God for the other things that are so easily overlooked in the shadow of fear of things like infertility. Because regardless of our thoughts, wishes, plans and fears, God is good and is always worthy of our praise.
[Author’s note: Please refrain from commenting about the fact that it’s only been six months, that I should try charting fertility, or that “we should wait”. I may not be able to refrain from throwing a proverbial pillow at your head.]
Keeping you and your husband in my prayers <3 :)
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